she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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