Will you blow on my dice?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
