Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
well you can't waste a boner
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
