the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
