In the future we'll all be gay
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
