I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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