he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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