I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
