I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
