having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
