I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
