Your dad touched me again.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
