I must be too annoying 4 u.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
