So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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