captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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