Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is Oprah even human
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
