can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
