so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
