I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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