im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
