Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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