You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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