today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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