You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
