fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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