No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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