you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
