You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
