i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
