so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
