His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
