Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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