She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
