you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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