MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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