Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
