I am puke
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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