So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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