I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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