i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
