Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
