WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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