there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
