The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
