I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You took a bar mat shot.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
