last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
