How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
