I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
