well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
