Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
