I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
